I live by three rules: never get less than twelve hours of sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body.
These are simple rules to follow and I have enjoyed much success with them. I recently made an exception on the third run and things began spiraling out of control. As I’m sure you know, my waiver wire column did not get published this week. The reasons involved in this tragedy include (among others): poison, betrayal, and a great deal of pain. My lawyers have advised me to keep the particulars secret until the police have finished their investigation, and so reluctantly, I’ll hold my tongue for now. But know this, the party responsible will be caught and he will be made to pay for the crimes that he inflicted on all of you, my dear readers, when he conspired to keep my words of wisdom from your precious eyes.
Enough of that unpleasantness, my Sensei says that I need to let go of the things I cannot control, and so I’m going to move on to what you’ve all been waiting for.
The Game Changer’s: Start Them, Sit Them, Drop Them.
Cedric Benson: As much as it hurts me to recommend starting this cancerous troll, he happens to win the weekly Denver run defense lotto, and if you are unlucky enough to have this guy on you team, you must be start him. This goon can’t help but rack up yards this week. Keep in mind that when you are playing with a goon of this magnitude that you are also playing with fire, beware the burn.
Peyton Hillis: Should dominate the Colts defense all day.
Beanie Wells: Ride this horse until the wheels fall off. He doesn’t come off the field, and he has Larry Fitzgerald to keep the defense from crowding the line. Start him confidently until he’s injured.
James Starks (RB 3 or Flex): As a flex play you could do much worse this week. He is much better than Ryan Grant and Carolina has a very bad run defense.
Reggie Bush: He gets practically all the RB touches and lines up all over the field. Until he gets hurt, he is a solid RB2.
Michael Turner: One of my goons, who like Cedric Benson, has a great opportunity to produce points. The Eagles will struggle to stop the run this year and the Falcons will want to pound them with Turner to eat up the clock and keep Vick on the sidelines. Start him and hope he holds up until you find a trading partner to dump him on later in the year.
All Your Redskins: That is to say you start Santana Moss (will be targeted heavily while going against a wretched pass defense), Tim Hightower (he doesn’t come off the field), Fred Davis (looks good and Cooley looks bad), and even Rex Grossman (if your QB situation isn’t what it should be). Arizona is really bad at playing defense (just ask Cam Newton).
All Your Cowboys: That is Romo (obviously), Miles Austin (Romo loves him and so do you), Witten (he’s very good), Felix Jones (he will touch the ball a bunch), and Dez Bryant (if he plays he starts, if not, then all the better for Austin and Witten). The Niners are not a good team.
The Chargers Big Three: Rivers, Gates, and VJax. I’m not sold on Mike Tolbert or Ryan Mathews (goon). The Patriots will give up points and this will be a shootout.
The Eagles Big Three: Vick, McCoy and DeSean Jackson will light up the Georgia Dome on Sunday night. Don’t miss out on the points bonanza.
Wes Welker: The only Patriot (other than Brady) that I trust for weekly production.
Jimmy Graham: The big TE will eat up the Bears zone defense. With Marques Colston out, Jimmy becomes the big redzone target Brees loves.
Owen Daniels: Stunk it up in week 1 due to the Texans running game blow out of the Colts, but this week he gets a Miami team that was just destroyed by New England’s TEs. Oh yeah and Kevin Walter is out (meaning more balls headed Owen’s way).
Shonn Greene: You might have to start him depending on your situation, but the guy hasn’t proven anything in the NFL yet and I won’t trust him at all until he produces something other than vomit from his owners. I give him a pass for week 1 because of the throw first gameplan and playing from behind, but if he shows nothing this week, I say trade him for whatever you can still get.
Ryan Grant: See James Starks; filed under Start Them.
Devery Henderson: Beware chasing his week 1 points and Colston’s injury. Devery is a deep threat and the Bears Defense thrives on taking away the deep ball. He may catch a play action pass TD bomb and save your day, but I’m not taking the risk.
Mike Thomas (hint, he plays for the Jags): Next stop, Revis Island.
Jay Cutler: He will be sacked and he will turn the ball over against what will be a very aggressive Saints Defense. Steer clear.
Sam Bradford: Throw in all the Rams receivers as well. The Giants have a decimated defense, but the Rams offense is also an injury quagmire. It’s best to hold off on these guys until SJax comes back and we can get a read on how the offense will work.
All the Seahawks: It’s the Steelers defense, at home, and they are very angry men. In fact, why don’t you just sit all the Seahawks until instructed otherwise.
Atlanta Defense: Opponent is Philly, and the Dream Team will put up points.
New England Defense: Opponent is San Diego, I smell shootout (which if you’ve never had the pleasure of smelling, is really quite nice!)
San Francisco Defense: Opponent is Dallas and unlike Seattle last week, the Niners will have no answer for them.
Ocho Cinco: King Goon.
That’s it for this column. Tune in on Tuesday for my long awaited column: How to Win the Waiver Wire. It will include my top pickups of the week.