If you are reading this, then I am already dead. Just kidding. I’m alive and well and if you are reading this it means that you are in the fantasy football playoffs. Well done. Now pay attention or you won’t last long.
Set ‘Em: Quarterbacks
Dak Prescott - Cowboys: He has been awful, but not much has been as awful as the coachless Giants this season. Giddy up!
Derek Carr - Raiders: Sure he’s basically stunk up the joint all year, but the one team he really blow torched is the same team he gets this week. The Chiefs are setting back the cause of defensive football by decades. Warm yourself at the hearth of Chief misery.
Forget ‘Em: Quarterbacks
Cam Newton - Panthers: The Vikings defense will smother Cam this week. Don’t let Cam take your team down with him. Forget ‘em!
Jimmy Garoppolo - Fortyniners: Let’s not get crazy here. It’s the playoffs dammit. Let’s see Jimmy throw some touchdowns before anointing him the second coming of Tommy Brady. I mean Jim hasn’t even been caught cheating yet.
Set ‘Em: Running Backs
Alf Morris - Cowboys: News flash! The Giants are a raging dumpster fire! That is all.
Beastmode - Raiders: News flash! The Chiefs are a raging dumpster fire on defense! That is all.
Forget ‘Em: Running Backs
Dougie Martin - Buccaneers: The Muscle Hamster’s exercise wheel has been awfully squeaky lately and “Peyton Barber” is a person. Forget ‘em!
DeMarco Murray - Titans: Let’s face it, if you were thinking about playing DeMarco this week, you aren’t in the playoffs.
Set ‘Em: Wide Receivers
Josh Gordon - Browns: It’s time to unleash the human after school special. The Packers can’t stop passes and Josh is being forced fed double digit balls. Set ‘em!
Davante Adams - Packers: You know who else can’t stop passes? The Browns. Hundley has a huge crush on Davante and he will be sending many balls his way.
Forget ‘Em: Wide Receivers
Devin Funchess - Panthers: Like Cam before him, Devin is going to be put in a sleeper hold by the Vikings secondary. Forget ‘em!
Demaryius Thomas - Broncos: Trevor Siemian is the starting quarterback for the Denver Broncos.
Set ‘Em: Tight Ends
Evan Engram - Giants: Eli’s back! That may be too enthusiastic, but the rookie is really good.
Jackie Boy Doyle - Colts: Why not?
Forget ‘Em: Tight Ends
Greg Olsen - Panthers: See Vikings; defense. Also foot; sore.
Dwayne Allen - Patriots: For the love of god, don’t do this to yourself.
Set ‘Em: Defenses
New York Jets: I repeat, Trevor Siemian is the starting quarterback for the Denver Broncos.
Green Bay Packers: Sure they stink against the pass, but it’s still the Browns we’re talking about here.
Forget ‘Em: Defenses
Los Angeles Rams: Good defense meets a good offense in the Eagles. Forget ‘em!
Philadelphia Eagles: Good defense meets a good offense in the Rams. Forget ‘em!
Kickers are but minor players in the grand scope of fantasy football